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Children of Divorce

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Divorce hurts

the whole family!

Each year, thousands of children are affected by

separation or divorce.

Examples of what children have drawn when asked

“What does divorce feel like?”

Children’s reactions vary, depending mostly on:

the situation prior to the family separation,

the amount of involvement with each parent,

the parents’ ease in adjusting and coping,

the degree of post-divorce conflict between parents,

parenting skills/styles of both parents,

approval and love from both parents,

age/stage of child development.
MOST COMMON EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN by age/stage:

Toddlers: irritability, withdrawal, regressive behaviors, clinging, whining, crying, sleeping problems, biting, fear of abandonment
Preschoolers: regressive behaviors, fear, confusion, guilt, aggression, nightmares, grief, uncertainty, fantasies – fear of losing residential parent as well
Elementary school: grief (yearning for lost parent), anger suppression/exaggeration, reunion fantasies, headaches, sense of rejection by parent who left, stomachaches, worries about future, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite/overeating, school problems begin : difficulty focusing, poor attention span, inappropriate behavior in class, aggression/withdrawal socially
Pre-teens: hide/deny feelings, try to undo the divorce, anger, refusal to communicate, acting out, extreme behaviors (good/bad), moralistic/high-risk behavior, depression, loyalty issues, relationship problems
Teens: anger, stress, fear of future, challenge/take control, highly verbal or non-communicative, negative view of parent(s), judgmental of parents, loyalty issues, financial concerns, conflicting emotions, questioning relationships/marriage itself – mistrust
DivorceSmarts for KIDS…

is the perfect compliment to your coaching through separation or divorce.

The program was designed to help children:

work through their emotional adjustment and healing;
reach a better understanding and acceptance of their family situation;
increase self-esteem, emotional well-being and enhance positive perception of self; and
develop healthy anger management, coping, problem-solving, and communication skills.
The DivorceSmarts for KIDS program will help minimize and eliminate the short- and long-term negative effects of divorce on a child’s schoolwork, relationships, and emotional well-being. Similar to play therapy, the children take part in ‘play & talk’ sessions that provide them with an opportunity to work through issues that may otherwise be (and remain) over-whelming, misunderstood, or left unanswered.

Divorce is a very touchy subject and studies have already proven that your kids suffer a lot more than their parents and they are the victims here. Divorce leaves a very negative and big impact on your children and that is a proven fact. With this in mind, parents who are at the verge of a divorce, should not only think about how they are going to solve their issues but, they should start developing an early strategy just in case that the worst happens. If you have to go through it, leave your kids out of it as much as possible. For some kids, this is just a phase in their lives, for others, it is a complete end of the world. Both parents, starting from the husbands and fathers, should do everything within their power to ensure that the marriage preserves and lasts but, if this is not possible, then actions should be taken in order to protect the younglings from what is to come. It is already hard enough for them growing up. They should have their immaculate piece while maturing.

The children begin THEIR healing,

and emerge with a renewed sense of confidence,

hope and resilience

… which then reduces the risk of future

(social, emotional, behavioral) problems.

Helping children not only survive or cope,

but also to thrive,

despite the pain & upheaval of divorce

Register your child today!

You have my personal promise that

rates for children will always remain affordable.

Register your child for only $25. an hour

While your child attends sessions,

at least one parent is expected to attend coaching sessions to

Develop a healthy co-parenting relationship

Close Up Of Father And Sons Reading Story At Home

Suggestions for Newly Divorced Fathers

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TIP 1: DON’T ISOLATE YOURSELF

-Reach out to family and friends that will listen to you. Healing begins with being heard. Most of the time, hanging with your friends can really restore your faith in humanity and spending some time with your friends and family could really help you to recover from such shocking experience that divorce is.

When things like this happen, it is best not to isolate yourself simply because isolation leads to overthinking and this leads to depression. Since this is never a good thing for people who recently suffered any kind of trauma, and let us be honest divorces can be traumatic, spending a lot of time in a circle of people whom you can trust can do miracles for your inner self. You need to get back on your feet in order to come out even stronger than before.

That is the only way how you can make sure that you have given your best to recover from what happened. Putting things of the past behind you is never an easy task and that is why it is so exceptionally important that you surround yourself with people who have been with you all your life.

Nothing can bring you back like a warm embrace of your family and friends will make you feel better. You must try. Join a positive support group with other men going through separation or divorce. Check out the local bookstore for helpful readings as well as other people to chat with. Find a mentor who “lives the solution” not “winning the war” – this is NOT a war!

TIP 2: WORK ON YOUR EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT

-Ask one last time about going for marriage counseling, if the answer is no, then:
-Accept that it’s over and begin working on letting it go.
-Keep a journal for writing your feelings: letting out anger, expressing sadness, etc.
-Don’t follow, phone or send flowers – control your rage and jealousy
-Don’t expect your spouse to be a resource or pal; stick to the issue at hand, keep it brief
-Remember the positives and negatives from the relationship for a balanced perspective

TIP 3: GET AND STAY “CHILD-FOCUSED”

That means thinking, “Will this hurt or benefit my child?” before taking any action.
-Do NOT tell the children legal details – “Your mother and I will work it out”
-Do NOT dwell on the legal aspects, they are only a part of the process
-Parental rights also means parental responsibilities
-Your child has the right to love both parents and continue seeing the extended family
-Your #1 obligation is to your child’s emotional well-being and healthy development.

TIP 4: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR ANGER

-Pick your fights carefully – write down your absolutes and what is negotiable
-Learn effective conflict resolution skills – work towards win-win solutions
-Do NOT get into conflicts in front of the children or when they are nearby to hear it
-Be proactive; begin every action with the desired outcome in mind
-Learn effective communication skills; Seek first to understand, then to be understood
-If possible, use a mediator rather than the adversarial family law court system
-Restructure, don’t attack; High-conflict divorce destroys everyone in the family!

TIP 5: IT’S QUALITY TIME THAT COUNTS – NOT QUANTITY

-Children need to spend ‘real’ time with their fathers, not a ‘Disney Dad’
-Stay involved on a daily basis – phone calls, e-mails, tape recordings, mail, projects
-Work on the bond with your child – Your emotional availability is what’s most important
-Each day ask yourself, “What would make my child happy today, and do it!”
-Get to know your child – the more interest we show in them, the higher their self-esteem

TIP 6: DON’T ASSUME YOUR CHILD IS OKAY

Change is even more difficult for children than for adults, and they are going through the same
grief/healing process as you are. Asking them if they are okay is not going to bring you a true and
accurate response. Kids don’t want to upset their parents, especially when they see, hear, and
feel that mom and dad are having a tough time. They will say “OK” or “fine” and be crying
themselves to sleep at night, worrying, or building anger and resentment. Register them in a
preventive program for children of divorce before problems build up to requiring a psychologist.

TIP 7: GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL

Give yourself at least a year to adjust to your situation. Work on building a positive attitude.
Think back to times of change in the past and recall what helped you adjust then.
If you need help, get it! This is not the time to refuse to ask for directions.
It’s essential that you remain in your child’s life. Men and women divorce – not children!
Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we always wished we’d had – Be him!

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Supercharge Your Childs self-esteem

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The foundations of self-esteem are laid very early in life when infants develop attachments with the adults
who are responsible for them. When adults respond quickly to their infant’s cries and smiles, the child
learns to trust their caregivers and feels safe, loved, valued and accepted. As a toddler, their self-esteem is
strengthened when they wander away from their caregiver and return to be accepted and safe again.
Self-esteem relates to the view one has of him or herself as competent, worthy, belonging and lovable.

Praising your children all the time will do more harm than good you can rest assured about that. Instead of doing this all the time, try focusing on only the most important things. Praise them when they do something really commendable. That way, you will boost their confidence and aspire them to do good and behave nicely at all times.

Be a parent but most importantly, be a person whom they can trust and rely on. They need your support more than you know and most of the time, they will act like they do not but that is not the truth. If you choose a good approach, full of understanding, that just might work and result in your kids doing great in their lives. For example, if your kid or kids are into sports, cheer for them, be their fan, support all their activities in every way you can.

Children with a healthy sense of self-esteem feel that the important people in their life accept them, care
about them, and would go out of their way to ensure that they are safe and well. Children with low selfesteem,
on the other hand, feel the opposite.

If you are separated or divorced, involved in a high-conflict relationship if visitation with a non-custodial
parent is sporadic, or if your child is ‘caught in the middle’ of disputes, your son or daughter’s self-esteem
will be affected. He or she will not have as much opportunity for having ‘good feelings’ about him/herself,
and the result will most likely be low self-esteem.

Here are some helpful hints for supercharging your child’s self-esteem:

• When your child is talking to you, give them your full attention;
• Do not compare your child negatively to others (siblings, relatives, or friends);
• If you have more than one child, arrange for individual time to spend together;
• Reassure your child with words and actions that you love, support, and accept him/her, daily;
• Respond positively to your child’s interests, and provide encouragement to pursue them;
• Help him/her learn to build healthy relationships with family members and peers;
• Keep lines of communication open so that they can express their feelings and thoughts to you;
• Without excessive praise or flattery, regularly emphasize their strengths and abilities;
• Set achievable (realistic & age-appropriate) goals for them to ensure success every day;
• Separate your emotional reaction to a negative behavior from the child him/herself;
• Discipline with logical consequences that fit the crime;
• Treat them like you love them, always!
Share some of your self-esteem building tips or tell us what you think.